You'll always be my hero even though you've lost your mind.

I am obsessed with how weird life can be.

I live for those little moments that shock you. The times when you think something is so out of the picture, and then it pops back up and hits you in the face.

I had several of those types of moments this week. I'm not sure how I feel about them quite yet, because I'm still trying to figure out why I am awake at 4:43 in the morning, when I have class in 8 hours and I could be sleeping right now. But my mommy is calling me in a few hours and I don't want to be asleep when she calls... eek! I'm so colddd right now, why is it so freezing up in hurrrr?

Alright... whatever. I'm tired, but I'll try to sort this shit out right now.

So on Monday, K comes up to me right after Psych. Actually, here's what REALLY happened: he creeped. He actually was lingering and like, not leaving where he was standing because he didn't want me to leave before he got the chance to talk to me. I think that gesture in itself was his little silly way of "apologizing" for how rude he was the week before. I can't accept that as an apology though... I think of it more as a peace offering.

Whatever. So then right as he said my name, I knew exactly what was about to happen. He was going to speak to me just like nothing had changed, and I was going to fall for it. I knew the second he said "Jamie", that the grudge that irritated me SO bad and made me want to yell at him was about to disintegrate. What IS that? What kind of freakish hold does he have on me that makes me not even stand my ground and be as cold as he can be? I don't know, but I know I'm powerless in that situation. I always have been.

Which is really weird, because I have been so confused and bruised by his frigidness and lack of concern for me. Especially lately. I wanted  him to be the one to reach out to me. I wanted  him to show up at my dorm and go over homework or music or speech or whatever. I wanted him to text me in the middle of class with some random anecdote. I wanted to know that he missed me... and I don't think he did. It's a one-way relationship, with me always having to be the one to lead the way. There's something very off about that, considering our history. But I feel like that means nothing to him, and that's what (has always) hurts me the most.

But there he was, chatting it up with me as though nothing was wrong, nothing had changed or gone bitter, and he had no remorse for his coldness. I responded with mindless chatter, carrying on a meaningless conversation that was going to lead nowhere. Lovely. In my head, I was thinking, "Are you really going to be that weak and just accept this like that? You're belittling yourself and what is it getting you? A 10 minute walk to Bromley? How is this going to benefit you?" And I came back with... nothing. There's no reason why I should have accepted that, except that I must not think very highly of myself if I could allow myself to be walked over like that.

I've always done that. With him. And that's the thing-- other people who have wronged me, I really don't give a shit about. Once they've lost my trust, I write them out of my life and don't bring up their name. But what in the world is it that makes me refuse to delete him from my thoughts?

...I don't know, man. Something's wrong, ya know what im sayin?? Somethin's wrong wit dat.

Hahaha.

Ok, so awkward situation #2: (LML... Love My Life...) I'm standing at the bus stop, minding my own business like a good little U of I college girl, when who should appear out of nowhere but B?? OF COURSE! I was worried in my head at first that it would be super strained and I'd have to endure a painfully uncomfortable bus ride of small talk and things we couldn't care less about... but it was surprisingly not awkward. At least not on my end. I tried my best to be funny, but let's face it, I'm just kind of an awkward person, so that didn't really work out too well.

...I still don't believe that he didn't know I moved out of Allen... that's just not possible. He'd have to really be in another world to not even put two and two together and realize that I lived somewhere else. I mean really? ...Come on. Haha so anyway, I'm trying to remember this one thing he said in response to something I said, because that's my FAVORITE part of the way he talks, but I can't think of what it was... it was something where he said, "You probably shouldn't..." and then I said "Probably not..." :) I'm a freak, obviously. But that little part was nice. I dunno, I just... I felt really dumb when he didn't make any effort to talk to me at all, and I still feel like that situation just sucks. But seeing him and being able to talk normally made me feel better. Not everything is going to turn into something, but you can still be normal afterwards. Hopefully. It just took a while and probably won't happen again unless by chance, but..... other than that... yeahh. Totally normal. ...Right.

ALSO. I am such a freak who remembers these small details and analyzes them but I love it :) so when we were talking about Suburban Express and going home, first of all I saw the glimmer in his eyes when he thought there was a possibility we'd be on the same bus. Heheh. Secondly, when I mentioned that I'd taken it before, the way he said, "You've done this before..?" was just... ahhhhhh. That's the only way I can describe it. It's the weirdest thing ever! But just, the tone he had when he said that, I just.... merrrrr ahahahh the only way I can describe it is like... "Jamie, I'm just picturing you now, having done this before." HAHAHAH! I am SUCH  a weird girl!! But its ok :) And then I said, "Yeah, I've been home three times." And he said, "..Three times?" And I said, "Yeah." And he said, "I haven't gone home at all."

I must say, deciphering the tone in that conversation was pretty satisfactory. The best way I can describe that whole encounter is flirtatious awkwardness. Just my style.... hahahahahahha. But seriously. :)

I can be a freak, I can I can be a freak.

And THENNNN  I ran into rdubsss on the bus and then at harry potter and it just made me happpyyy :-) loverz doverzz'd tonight and harry potter was the SHITTTT! omg. and rdubs gave me all these new games/apps for my phone and i am so excited.

What I'm not excited for is packing. Fuck this shit. Oh well, hopefully it won't take very long.  I am not looking forward to class at all tomorrow, and by "not looking forward to" I mean shoot me now. But I am so excited for the bus ride home and being home and eating good food and curling up on the couch and watching tv and hugging my mommy and judging speech and seeing maranto and the gbs speechies and crushing people's dreams (mwahaha, I'm powerful) and oracles and turkey and yayyyy. :)

I wish Ashley could come be with us, though, it makes me so sad. I really want to fix the situation but I don't know how. :(

Ok, well for now, I'm gonna sleep. Then... to the lighthouse! (Glenview.)

Peace. Love. Thanksgiving break =)

I'm shining like fireworks over your sad, empty town.

It's been a while and I've really missed writing on this blog. I'm actually really happy that I write on here, because it's a lot easier than writing in my journal. Whenever I write in my journal my hand really hurts after a while, which sucks because I like to write a LOT.

So... the last thing I wrote on here was a letter to a certain person...

Since then, I made an effort to talk to that person, he responded by saying he agrees and finds it really weird/ awkward that we have not talked lately, and I got so excited that things were about to go back to how they used to be.

...But they didn't. And I'm so irritated. I saw him on the street two days ago, and he was so unbelievably awkward. Like our conversation didn't happen. I know we didn't have an actual conversation, but I thought  it could be reasonably inferred that, since we agreed upon the fact that it sucks we haven't talked lately, AND we realized we had lots to discuss, I assumed he'd make an effort to hang out and talk. Now I'm convinced that's not going to happen. And I still don't understand why, after all this time and all these new situations and people in my life, I still have the same thoughts/ emotions regarding him. Well, not exactly ALL of the same thoughts, haha. But still... wanting to have that mental closeness and compatibility is something I've been feeling for the longest time. And now I'm almost convinced that that'll never happen again.

Hello, dream. How does it feel to be deferred?

Also. I'm convinced that my roomie could NOT type any louder/faster. She's crazy.  Like, I'm actually convinced. Oh well. Anything beats the past situation, right? Right.

"On the first page of our story
the future seemed so bright
then this thing turned out so evil
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
even angels have their wicked schemes
and you take that to new extremes
but you’ll always be my hero
even though you’ve lost your mind."


...Freaking LOVE that.

Read more: http://www.killerhiphop.com/rihanna-eminem-love-the-way-you-lie-pt-2-lyrics/#ixzz152ZN9ofv